Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder

I went on a little trip with Rome down the shore to visit his aunt and little cousins. There are 4 of the little rugrats and they're all under the age of 10. The two middle girls are 7 and 5. They love Hannah Montana (in fact, I think I'll call them Hannah and Montana). Hannah and Montana got matching Hannah Montana makeup kits from Santa. He's so thoughtful!

So I'm sitting at their kitchen table, just minding my own business when Hannah comes up to me with a big grin on her face (Montana was close behind).

"Can I give you a makeover?!"

...I wasn't aware that I needed one. If there's one thing I learned in Kindergarten it's that children are brutally honest, so if the 5 and 7 year olds think I need to update my look I'll take their word for it.

It started out with a manicure. The nail polish was of the peel away variety so it didn't last past the first hour. Then it was time for eye shadow. First of all, I would just like to say that there were 4 different compartments of eye shadow, blush, and lip gloss. I couldn't tell which was which and that's when I became worried.

Slowly she dipped the wand in the pink "eye shadow". I mean pink. Full on 1985 hot ass PINK! I closed my eyes and hoped for the best. She began to apply and then I heard the most horrifying words I've heard in a long time...

"No, Hannah! That's too much!"

When the 5 year old is telling the 7 year old that she's using too much eye shadow you know there's a problem!! I looked like a clown for 3 days. I just kept scrubbing and scrubbing. It would not come off. I'm pretty sure that "eye shadow" was the lip gloss or something else that greases up your eyelids like a fast food cheeseburger. This stuff would probably make it through a nuclear war.

This is false advertising. The package said I would look just like Hannah Montana and I came out looking like Amy Winehouse. Is this Hannah Montana important enough to have a complaint department? I'd like the address.